Although we can try to keep emotions out of the workplace, the reality is we are emotional beings. Every day we have moments of frustration, stress, or disappointment, and also joy, excitement and anticipation, to name just a few. Given their prominence, Emotional intelligence (EI)—the ability to understand, manage, and leverage emotions effectively—holds the key to effective management.
Roberta Fernandez, a seasoned professional development consultant specializing in emotional intelligence and organizational culture change, recently shared invaluable insights on The Modern Manager podcast. Let’s explore her takeaways and how they can help you lead smarter.
Why Emotional Intelligence Matters in Leadership
“Emotions drive all behavior,” Roberta explains. While many of us were taught to leave emotions at the door in professional settings, this approach is both unrealistic and counterproductive. Rather than suppressing emotions, managers can harness them to build stronger relationships, solve problems, and drive team success.
Roberta explains that we make better decisions, think more creatively and have healthier relationships when we are emotionally intelligent. This is because we understand the role of emotions as signals which we can interpret. By doing so, we gain valuable insight instead of allowing the emotions to cloud our thinking.
Core Emotions Drive Workplace Behavior
Two common workplace categories of emotion are anger and fear. Anger is often tied to the belief that “this isn’t fair.” It signals unmet expectations or perceived inequities.
Rooted in insecurity or uncertainty, fear often surfaces when employees worry about job security, recognition, or the outcomes of their actions. By identifying these emotions, managers can address underlying issues rather than reacting to surface-level expressions. This not only helps resolve conflicts but also strengthens team dynamics.
Now imagine a heated team meeting where a colleague expresses anger. Instead of responding defensively or shutting the conversation down, Roberta suggests asking, “I can see that you don’t think something’s fair. How can we make this fair?” This approach validates the person’s feelings, builds trust, and opens a pathway for resolution.
The Power of Observation and Detachment
When you find yourself in an emotionally charged situation, Roberta offers the following practice to help managers stay calm and objective. The emphasis is on the importance of observation without emotional attachment. To practice this, she recommends adopting the five roles of observation:
Self: Observe your own behavior, emotional state and reactions.
Other: Try to understand the behavior and emotions from the other person’s perspective.
Interaction: Assess the dynamics of the interaction itself.
After the Fact: Analyze how well you handled the situation.
Observe the Observer: Reflect on the extent to which you were able to be an objective, unbiased observer in your assessments.
Fostering emotional detachment doesn’t mean becoming cold or unfeeling—it simply allows you to approach challenging moments with clarity.
How We Develop Emotional Thinking
Roberta introduces a simple yet powerful framework that helps us better understand how our emotional intuition was initially developed from childhood: FARE (Focus, Associate, Repeat, Expect). Here’s how it works:
• Focus: What we focus on expands.
• Associate: Our minds create connections between thoughts, memories, and emotions, forming mental “triggers.”
• Repeat: Repeated patterns of thought and emotion reinforce beliefs, whether accurate or not.
• Expect: Ultimately, we act in alignment with our expectations, shaping outcomes.
To change your emotional reactions, you can intervene at any stage—shifting focus, breaking unhelpful associations, or reframing expectations. Over time, this will change your emotional trajectory.
Manage Your Emotions and Develop Your EQ
To start your emotional intelligence journey, Fernandez recommends mastering two skills: recognizing emotions and managing them.
Here are five strategies to support your EQ development:
Breathe Deeply: When tensions rise, take a deep belly breath. This stimulates the vagus nerve, releasing calming chemicals and helping you think more clearly.
Listen Authentically: Move beyond “active listening” techniques. Truly engage with your team members on an emotional level, acknowledging their feelings and asking thoughtful questions.
Ask Better Questions: When facing conflict, start by validating emotions. For example, “You seem frustrated—can you tell me more about what’s bothering you?” This approach reduces defensiveness and opens the door to productive dialogue.
Remember Emotions are a Compass: Emotions are signals, not obstacles. When you or your team members experience strong emotions, ask: “What unmet need or desire might this emotion be highlighting?”
Detach from Outcomes: While it’s natural to focus on results, staying open to different perspectives can lead to unexpected and positive solutions.
Emotional Intelligence is a Leadership Superpower
Emotional intelligence isn’t just a “nice-to-have” skill—it’s a cornerstone of effective leadership. By understanding and managing emotions, you can create a thriving workplace where people feel supported, creative thinking flourishes, and thoughtful decisions are made every day.
Listen to the entire episode HERE to learn more about conflict management.
Keep up with Roberta Fernandez
Guest Bonus: FREE Emotional Intelligence Assessment and the Frame Tool
Roberta is providing members of Podcast+ with access to her emotional intelligence assessment as well as “the frame” tool, which she explains in the extended episode.
Get this guest bonus and many other member benefits when you join The Modern Manager Podcast+ Community.
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